Friday, March 29, 2002

As hard as I could, I've been rummaging through my head for things to say, to no avail.

However, I think this poem from Paula Finn might just do the trick...

When You First Came into my Life

When you first came into my life...
I had no idea how easy you would be to talk to
and I never imagined that our early conversation
would grow into such a strong friendship.

I never suspected that we'd discover
so many common interest and values,
or that I could ever enjoy simple pleasures
as much as when they are shared with you.

I never thought we'd have so many
warm and happy times together,
or that your compassion would help so much
to ease me through the rougher times.

I didn't expect to feel so soon
as though I'd known you forever,
or to trust you so easily
with my secrets and deepest feelings...

I never thought
that your support could make such a difference,
that your encouragement would bring my dreams closer,
make my successes sweeter,
and my losses easier to accept.

I never imagined that I would grow to want, to need,
and to love you so much.
When you first came into my life,
I never dreamed you'd soon be someone
whom I couldn't live without.

Sappy days are here again.

And I can actually die of them. ^.^
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/29/2002 07:00:55 AM

Monday, March 25, 2002

"Educate yourself, and heighten your natural charisma by expanding your mind. Focus on building closer friendships, even with those whom you are already intimate. Profits will eventually come from what you are doing just for fun."

Oh, life...
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/25/2002 12:14:10 AM

Friday, March 22, 2002

"Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less."
--Rabbi Julius Gordon

fUse, aishiteru.
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/22/2002 07:42:25 PM

I feel drained. All that binge eating I did last night helped a bit in keeping me sane, but...

If only I could go brain-dead for a while. A long, coma-like while.


(MOTD) = Noel Gallagher - Teotihuacan
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/22/2002 02:43:22 PM

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

"The ultimate of being successful is the luxury of giving yourself the time to do what you want to do."
--Leontyne Price

I wonder when will I get to spend my life in entirely my OWN sweet way.

But plain contemplation won't give me what I truly want, would it? Have to get moving then.

OK, so now the question is HOW. *sigh*
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/19/2002 11:49:01 PM

Uh-oh.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

(MOTD) = Filter - One
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/19/2002 10:35:44 PM

SWEETLY TRAGIC

I never thought this song could be actually ages old. Never really cared about it before, Soft Cell-era, until the now-defunct local Put3Ska re-hashed the track in their sophomore album around 4 yrs ago. Finally it has a freaky feel to it, romanticized goth-style. Sure has gone a long way, from the 50's to the 21st century. Wow. I just can't enough of it as of now...

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn
I can't sleep at night

Once I ran to you
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh... tainted love
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

Once I ran to you
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh... tainted love
Tainted love

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go

Touch me baby, tainted love...

(MOTD) = Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/19/2002 08:01:05 PM

Monday, March 18, 2002

To have faith in yourself - in your capabilities, your thoughts & feelings, your stand in life. With such conviction & confidence, you can brave the world & make way for new avenues, to be a more productive, worthwhile person.

You think you can do it, sure, but that doesn't stop there. Doubts, misgivings, criticisms, failure, & other blows to the ego will always nag you to the point of despair. Here comes in hope, where you aspire & aim for things to be better. You ask for divine intervention. But even if what you get isn't the expected outcome, you can always hope for more. Dum spiro, spero anyway. While you breathe; thus, live... you hope.

Learn to love yourself, your work, your aspirations, the people closest to you. So no matter how Life takes it hard on you, you won't have to take it so hard on yourself & everyone else around you. Loving them others will also generate that drive for you to reach your goals, to hope for a brighter future, to stand up for what you believe in. But even if life deprives you of the support crew to inspire you to get going, you still have yourself, to both contend with & cherish. Give yourself a break as well as time to recharge, recollect, redefine your reason for existence - just the way you know you are destined to do so.

Among all the gifts given to us in Life, time is the most precious & yet the most wasted. How time flies, like I always whine about. Time can never be recovered once it is spent. Time is running out. Then again, it's never too late to change & live, as long as you put your whole self into it. Time is a great healer, as Experience is a great teacher. They work hand in hand, as they do with Chance. Allowing yourself to think & grow in time will allow you to be what & who you can truly be. Maturity & wisdom come with age.

Life is that abstract & vast, notwithstanding how small & simple the world is sometimes.
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/18/2002 08:23:58 AM

Sunday, March 17, 2002

1. Do you have any eating habits others might think are odd?

I also eat pasta sometimes with rice. Rice is that much of a staple food to me. There was even this one time when I ended up with only carbonara sauce & a pot of rice for lunch. I ate them combined in a bowl & happily gobbled away. Hehe. *nyum* But I can live with cream of mushroom soup & white bread so far.

I do not eat raisins mixed into salads, cookies, chocolate bars, & the like. I'd rather eat them plain, straight out of the box or bag.

I eat not because I have to, but because I'm hungry. So that means I eat just about anytime, anywhere. I can have dinner for breakfast, or breakfast for lunch. Most people I know eat by the clock, but thanks to my screwed-up bio-clock, I don't chow on schedule.

I can live without maple syrup or sugar on my pancakes (in fact I want ONLY butter on em), & without tabasco sauce or catsup on my pizza.

2. What was the worst date you ever went on?

Most of them lowly blind dates I have to subject myself to. I'm not such a good date, either, anyhow. I hate dates.

3. Who (or what site) inspired you to begin Blogging?

The sassy + spunky + sexy atomikai did. Hehe. I got hooked in an instant in Freshly Brewed. Then when our site went down for a while, to amuse myself, I put up this measly page & voila.

4. Have you inspired, encouraged, or begged anyone else to start a Blog?

Hmmm... twinx got into the habit. Ever since last year I invited a lot of people to do so; even my best friend. But most of them haven't put up any blogs yet!

5. Any foods you just will not eat?

S-P-I-C-Y stuff. Oysters. Wasabi chips. Soggy green leafy vegetables, like boiled eggplant. *UGH* Locusts!!! & all them other exotic bug + insides + unlikely fauna-turned-food mostly available all across Asia.

6. Describe the worst Birthday party (adult or child's) that you ever attended?

Hmmm... even though most of the birthday parties I've gone to were either so-so or altogether sucky, I don't complain, as long as there's plenty of stuff to chow coupled with hearty laughs. ^_^

7. What was the first music album you ever bought (tape, CD, LP, whichever or all of the above)?

Yikes, I don't remember at all. We already have tons of tapes before at home, & I loved the Beatles & Tears for Fears. I didn't even bother getting my own copies because we also had records borrowed in circulation, mostly from my posse & my older sibs' friends. Plus, I had the radio feeding me enough bullshit to last me a lifetime. I was that passive. But I think I had Color Me Badd's debut, which my best bud Cres & I were into (haha). When I fell in love with grunge a few months later, I got debuts of Nirvana, Pearl Jam, & finally STP & Smashing Pumpkins. My older sisters weren't much into rock/metal & I didn't want to keep anything around related to that around the house. That was the start of my own soundtripping as well as the assertion of my self-identity.
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/17/2002 01:31:51 PM

Saturday, March 16, 2002

Low Self Opinion

I think you got a low self opinion, man
I see you standing all by yourself
Unable to express the pain of your distress
You withdraw deeper inside
You alienate yourself
And everybody else
They wonder what's on your mind
They got so tired of you
And your self ridicule
They wrote you off and left you behind

You sleep alone at night
You never wonder why
All this bitterness wells up inside you
You always victimize
So you can criticize yourself
And all those around you

The hatred you project
Does nothing to protect you
You leave yourself so exposed
You want to open up
When someone says
Lighten up
You find all your doors closed
Get yourself a break from self-rejection
Try some introspection
And you just might find
It's not so bad and anyway
At the end of the day
All you have is yourself and your mind
The self hatred that blinds you
Binds you grinds you keeps you down
The world falls down around you
You build up walls around you
You wear disgust like a crown

If you could see the you that I see
When I see you seeing me
You'd see yourself so differently
Believe me

I know the self-doubt that runs inside your mind
I know the self that treats you so unkind

If you could see the you that I see
When I see you
You would see things differently
I assure you

Right. Just the things I need to tell myself over & over again.
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/16/2002 09:55:33 PM

Friday, March 15, 2002

But summer is slowly blossoming before our very eyes, & despite the sickening heat it brings along, I love it when it's around. Here's a poem way back grade school days illustrating my love for the season as well as for the beach & everything else entailed.

Pretty Halcyon Days

How pleasant to sit on the beach,
On the beach, on the sand, in the sun,
With ocean galore within reach,
And nothing at all to be done!
No letters to answer,
No bills to be burned,
No work to be shirked,
No cash to be earned,
It is pleasant to sit on the beach
With nothing at all to be done!
How pleasant to look at the ocean,
Democratic and damp; indiscriminate;
It fills me with noble emotion
To think I am able to swim in it.
To lave in the wave,
Majestic and chilly,
Tomorrow I crave;
But today it is silly.
It is pleasant to look at the ocean;
Tomorrow, perhaps, I shall swim in it.

How pleasant to gaze at the sailors.
As their sailboats they manfully sail
With the vigor of vikings and whalers
In the days of the vikings and whale.
They sport on the brink
Of the shad and the shark;
If its windy they sink;
If it isn't, they park.
It is pleasant to gaze at the sailors,
To gaze without having to sail.

How pleasant the salt anesthetic
Of the air and the sand and the sun;
Leave the earth to the strong and athletic,
And the sea to adventure upon.
But the sun and the sand
No contractor can copy;
We lie in the land
Of the lotus and poppy;
We vegetate, calm and aesthetic,
On the beach, on the sand, in the sun.

Ahhh, that's more like it.

But fuck it, I'm still bummed.
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/15/2002 05:20:27 PM

Tuesday, March 12, 2002

Hmmm... hooray for introspection. But, really, I still don't get the whole of this.
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/12/2002 06:45:05 PM

Sunday, March 10, 2002

Was loony again yesterday. I just loooove my manic-depression. I hate it, too, though. Haha.
I'm fuckin' wired. (Oh my, no, that wasn't a typo.)

Been stuck to my other e-journal for the past few days. Couldn't help it.
Yep, never thought it'd be real fun in there.

I was so glad to hear from Shy as she rang up the other night, but we didn't get to talk much.
I was hoping she'd call back, but nada. I wonder what's up.

Recurring evening headaches aren't my kinda thing.

Last night I was so hyper that all I did was blab shit on the phone.
I'm beginning to detest uncomfortable emo silences. It'll pass soon, though.

(MOTD) = Skee Lo - I Wish
posted by ling xiaoyu on 3/10/2002 05:48:47 AM